If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
The best revenge is premature balding
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
