I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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