I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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