if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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