i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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