i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
