Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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