the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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