i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
