I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We are two peas in an std pod
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
