Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
