i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
