Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
