You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
