I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
