Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
