hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
