Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
