Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
