Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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