Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I FOUND THE LEGS
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
