his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
