Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
