Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
