I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
