i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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