he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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