Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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