How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
