Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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