i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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