I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
