I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
