i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
