I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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