i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
