Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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