then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
