i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
