there's paper in my vomit.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
