There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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