I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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