my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
