My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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