I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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