how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
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