I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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