Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
