I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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