I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
