You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Randomize
